The Studio Retold!
by ocicat
Summary: A fabulous retelling of the Ballet Studio chapter in Twilight... Funny. please R&R second chap: The Cinema retold!
1. The Studio Retold!

Bella: Mum?

James: (his voice echoing from somewhere) MUAHAHA! It is a videotape! Now I shall _eat _you!

Bella: Please don't?

_James appears dramatically from behind a floral curtain with a camera in his hand._

James: I chose this place because it is very… full of mirrors. Which is good if I want to record eating you for your sparkly boyfriend.

Bella: I don't think that he would like that much…

_James starts walking towards Bella. Bella runs in the general direction of the door, but her lack of co-ordination means that she knocks herself out on a support column._

James: Oh, for gods sake. Wake up!

_He slaps the unconscious Bella. At that very moment Edward, wearing a full body leotard, flies into the room._

Edward: I will save you my love!

James: (smirks) Um… sure. You might be fast, but I can _break _you.

_James proceeds to flush Edwards head down the toilet._

Edward: (crying) Please, I just wanted to save my love!

James: Do you even _know _her name?

Edward: It's so boring I just call her 'my love' mostly.

_Carlisle walks into the ballet studio, with his hand on his hip._

Carlisle: Did someone call for a _doctor?_

Edward: No.

James: Um… no.

Carlisle: (Frowning) Oh… Well… I'm not really good for anything else. Do continue.

_He disappears in a burst of paracetamol pills. Then he re-appears in a more predictable burst of smoke._

Carlisle: Actually… Bella might be hurt over there… I'll stay.

Bella: (waking up) Ouch…

Carlisle: (ecstatically) I am wanted!

James: (turning back to Edward) What the hell is wrong with your family?

Edward: We are vegetarians.

James: That explains _a lot._

_Alice and Jasper walk in and place a large pile of wood and charcoal on the floor. Emmett walks in and casually lifts James up before placing him on the pile._

Jasper: Light it Alice!

_Alice sets fire to the pile and the three proceed to dance around it waving their hands in the air._

Alice, Jasper and Emmett: (singing) Burn, baby, burn!

James: (stepping out of the fire) Umm… You have to break me into little pieces for that to kill me.

Alice: Oh, yeah! Well, isn't that stupid?

_Alice, Jasper and Emmett proceed to pull apart James bit by bit._

James: Ouch.

_Bits and pieces of James are now in the fire, and the room fills with purple smoke- because vampires are essentially incense. Purple incense…_

Carlisle: Edward, come over here.

_Edward walks over there, and Bella is staring at the James-fire._

Bella: It burns! Dear god, it burns!

Edward: She must have been bitten! Quick let me suck her blood!

Carlisle: Edward, no. Too late.

_Emmett walks over and pulls Edward away from Bella, as Jasper leaves the room muttering something about a lucky bastard._

Edward: Yep, it is clean. The blood is clean. No venom. Actually… Maybe just one more taste to make sure!

_Everyone else restrains Edward to make sure that he won't kill Bella._

Carlisle: Hey, where is Esme?

Jacob: (who is suddenly _there)_ She never appears in fight scenes. Get with the program.

_He turns into a Scottish Terrier and runs away._

Edward: Who the hell was that?

Carlisle: I don't know. But we probably won't ever meet him again.

Alice: I am pretty sure that was a girl. It had long hair…

_**Later in hospital.**_

Bella: OMG THERE IS A TUBE IN MY ARM!!!

Edward: She is afraid of a tube…

Bella: IN MY ARM!!

Renee: (walking in to the room) Is your boyfriend unconscious?

Bella: Yes… TUBE!

Renee: You love him don't you?

Bella: TUB… Yes mum, I do.

Renee: Goodo, I am going to go back to Phil now. I think that this half a second of caring has been adequate.

_She exits the room_

Edward: (walking over to Bella) I will love you forever and ever.

Bella: TUBE!!


	2. The Cinema Retold!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight... Stephenie (what a weird name, its like that cause her dad is 'Stephen' I guess their the kind of people who call people 'Junior'...) Meyer**

_Mike arrives at Bella's house. Jacob is already there giggling and holding Bella's hand. Mike exits his van and walks towards Bella and Jacob._

**Mike**: So… holding hands, huh?

_Bella drops Jacobs's hand._

**Jacob**: (Cries)

**Bella**: Oh, poor Jakey, is Sam looking at you weirdly again?

**Jacob**: He keeps asking me to 'join his pack'. I really don't swing that way Bella, I don't!

**Bella**: I know, my sun, I know.

**Mike**: Wait, he is your _son?_

**Bella**: No, idiot. He's my _sun! _(she outlines a circle in the air above her head)

**Mike**: Okay then… well, everyone into the van

**Jacob**: (meaningful sniffle)

**Bella**: No Mike. Jake finished his car today. Let us ride in that. (she points to the bunny shaped wreck on her lawn)

**Jacob:** I present to you… _THE RABBIT!_

**Mike: **Jacob, why did you make a car that you have to duck in?

**Jacob:** I'm poor, okay. I couldn't afford a normal car.

**Mike:** Why don't we go in my van then?

**Bella:** Is it named after an animal?

**Mike:** …no?

**Bella: **No, then.

**Mike:** Whatever.

_They drive to the cinema. Bella and Jacob self obsess for a while and Mike gradually (for some reason) stops finding this entertaining._

**Jacob: **Remember that time we were in the place with the thing OMG ahaha!

**Bella:** OMG yeah, I can't believe you remember that ahaha!

**Mike:** So… how about some music to block out your voices?

_The car stops and Bella and Jacob turn in unison to glare at Mike._

**Jacob: **BELLA DOES NOT LIKE MUSIC!

**Bella:** (turns to Jacob) OMG I am so _touched._ After spending endless weeks with me you learnt something about me. I am going to cry.

**Mike:** (rolls his eyes)

_Bella and Jacob stare dreamily into each others eyes for the rest of the ride, only hitting two deer while the driver navigates using only his sense of smell and hearing._

_They finally arrive at the cinema and enter. The movie is zombie-ish. The two boys hold their hands out for Bella to grip. Bella holds Jacobs hand after several hours of him keeping it there, being a big man for this…_

**Bella**: Woah, you're hot!

**Jacob**: (Winking) I know.

**Bella**: No, I mean you're heating up!

**Jacob**: Oh… I knew that.

**Mike**: Bella, I haven't been completely honest with you.

**Bella**: …

**Mike**: BELLA!

**Bella**: Oh, you. Yes, what?

**Mike**: I said that I haven't been completely honest with you.

**Bella**: Oh… So you _are _a woman?

**Mike**: What?! No! My name isn't really Mike.

**Bella**: Is it Sharron? It is, isn't it?

**Mike**: I TOLD YOU; I AM NOT A WOMAN!

**Bella**: Oh, well… Are you really Rumpelstiltskin?

**Mike**: No. Why the hell would I be Rumpelstiltskin, do you _see_ me running around stealing infants?

**Jacob**: What's wrong with that?

**Bella**: …

**Mike**: …

**Jacob**: … Do continue…

**Mike**: Well, Bella. My real name is HARRY POTTER!

**Bella**: Okay… I can see why you covered that up; it's a pretty bad name.

**Harry**: You. Don't. Know. Who. Harry. Potter. Is?

**Bella**: Should I?

**Harry**: Have you been living in a hole for the last few months?

**Bella**: No, just a pit of self-loathing and agony.

**Jacob**: (raising his hand) Which I gallantly rescued you from.

**Edwards voice in Bella's head**: Yes, by teaching her to drive dangerous vehicles at high speeds and by falling in love with her, you underage bastard.

**Bella**: Hehe, the voice in my head is _talking _to me again hehe underage bastard.

The two boys squabbling for her love: … what?

**Bella**: (stares dumbly at the ceiling)

**Harry**: So … anyway… Harry Potter. I am famous, Bella. Bella, I am a wizard.

**Bella**: (immediately snaps out of her Edward loving, despairing never remembering always remembering cause she cant forget daze) A _wizard?_

**Harry**: Yes, Bella, Yes.

**Bella**: They are mythical, right?

**Harry**: Yes, Bella, yes.

**Bella**: OMG, you're mythical. Suddenly I find you so much sexier.

**Jacob**: Well… that was unexpected…

**Random teenage fan girl called Katherine Soda who is suddenly there:** No it isn't, gosh. Bella only falls for magical creatures because they can offer her more… exciting things… (Smiles dumbly)

**Random teenage Twilight-hater called Shona Pony**: No, Idiot. It's cause real people are smart enough to figure out that she is a retard.

**Movie attendant**: Could you random teenage girls please leave the cinema?

Random teenage girls: OMG, like, whatever, bi-atch. (They leave)

**Bella**: (crawling onto Harry's lap) So… what do wizards do?

**Harry**: As hobbies?

**Bella**: No, idiot. As in, do wizards glitter, morph into dog-like creatures or what?

**Harry**: Ahh… we cast spells.

**Bella**: Oh, that is HOT!

**Harry**: We make potions too…

**Bella**: Time to salivate.

**Random fan girl who sneaked back into the cinema**: I don't like 'Mikes'.

**Harry**: Okay…

**Random fan girl**: They are so generically popular.

**Bella**: Whatever.

**Jacob**: I feel sick.

**Bella:** (turning to look at Jacob) OMG WHERE IS JACOB!?

**Harry:** I turned him into a wolf.

**Dumbledore:** No, you didn't Harry. He is a werewolf.

**Bella: **Who is that?

**Harry:** Like my uncle?

**Dumbledore:** Yes, Harry, Yes.

**Harry:** But it isn't a full moon.

**Bella:** WHO IS THAT?

**Dumbledore: **More like Professor McGonagall, he is a shape shifter.

**Harry:** Ohhh!

**Jacob:** (growls)

**Bella:** Harry, WHO IS THAT?

**Harry: **huh? Oh, him. That is my principal. Dumbledore.

**Dumbledore:** Good evening, miss.

**Bella:** Is he a wizard too?

**Harry:** Yes…

**Bella: **OMG HE IS MYTHICAL _AND_ OLD. I _WANT _HIM!!

**Harry:** Umm…

**Jacob:** (growls)

_Bella grabs Dumbledore and skips out of the cinema pulling him along._

**Bella:** (whispering to Dumbledore) You're coming to _my _house. We can use that wand in special ways…

**Jacob:** (transforms into a human) I never really wanted her that much…

**Harry:** Yeah, me neither…

**Thanks for reading, please do review, yaya!**

**Dedicated to Shona and Little Kate.**


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